The middle school years usher in many changes for kids-a more demanding school workload, increased extracurricular activity, as well as frequent and often dramatic growth spurts. One of the most significant changes is your child’s increased desire to socialize.

Middle school is a time when children begin to make new, more permanent friendships and seek out peers who will help them define who they are. Although this is a normal, healthy transition, it can also be unsettling for parents who may no longer feel their influence is what matters most to their children.

Most often, peer pressure is associated with activities we would very much like our kids to avoid-underage drinking, drug use, smoking, sexual experimentation and other destructive behaviors. However, peers can have an important positive influence. A lot depends on who their friends are. The key becomes finding a way to help guide your children toward those positive friendships, while allowing them the space to find their own way socially. Here are some things to try:

Set up opportunities to connect with your kids. Take a hike outdoors away from the TV or choose a book that you both can read and talk about. This is a good way to find out what they are thinking about and what’s happening in their lives outside the home.

Nurture your children’s interests in new endeavors. Extracurricular sports and after-school clubs or enrichment programs are a good place for them to make new friends with similar interests. It also means they are supervised and busy with meaningful activities when you are not with them.

Encourage your children to invite their friends home. If your children are reserved or are having trouble making new friends, the home court advantage might make getting to know someone new that much more comfortable. Having your children’s friends at your home can also give you the peace of mind of knowing who they are with and what they are doing.

If your children’s friends are new to you, get to know their families. Make an informal call to introduce yourself. Say "hello" when other parents drop their children off at your home and talk with them at school events.

If your schedule permits, offer to chaperone school events or volunteer at school. These are wonderful opportunities to see how your children and their friends socialize and to get to know what interests them.

Do your legwork. If your child says he or she is going to a friend’s house after school, make a call to find out if your child has arrived and that there is someone responsible for supervision.

Regardless of how carefully your children choose their friends, there are going to be times when someone or something (such as media images, movies and music) might influence your child in a negative way. Following are some ways parents can help prepare kids to resist negative pressure:

Allow family members to express differing opinions. Talking things out allows kids to feel comfortable about being unique. Kids who aren’t allowed to express different thoughts or ideas at home will most likely be ill prepared to resist peer pressure.

• Books such as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10 to 20 by Lawrence Steinberg and Ann Levine include suggestions on how to keep the lines of communication open with your pre-teen and how to teach decision-making skills.
• Talk openly with your children about tough issues.
• For tips on discussing drugs and alcohol, check the National PTA web site: http://www.pta.org or http://www.talkingwithkids.org/drugs.html.
• For tips on talking with your child about smoking, go to http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/smoking.html.
• Role playing can be a fun way for your children to rehearse their reactions to peer pressure and other uncomfortable situations. Studies have shown that when kids are able to "practice" their reactions, they are more likely to respond assertively in real life.
• If your child has a sudden change in behavior and you can’t determine its cause, enlist the help of his or her teachers and guidance counselors who can be your eyes and ears at school. School professionals can help provide insight into what’s normal and what isn’t and who or what your child may be involved with.

For permission to reprint this article, please contact the Capital Region BOCES Communications Service by e-mailing dbushsuf@gw.neric.org.

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