4The
real winner is the teen with a healthy sense of competition Parent Spot for Parents of High School Students
An upward climb begins with the new
school year: Each ladder rung is a win on the football field,
acceptance to a good college or the lead role in a musical.
Competition for these and other honors
ignites success for teens. It builds self-esteem and teaches
goal-setting. It motivates them physically, mentally, artistically
and in so many other ways. Taken too far, however, competition
fosters everything from aggressiveness to self-deprecation and
failure. So how do we help our sons and daughters find balance on
the sports fields, in the classroom and on the stage? Here are
some ideas:
Soul searching:
What do you
want your son or daughter to get out of school and extracurricular
activities? How important is it to be number one? That’s not to
say children shouldn’t try to achieve at the highest level
possible, but in a push to win, win, win, they sometimes lose the
concept of fair play. And for those teens who don’t win, win, win,
pressure can lead to self-doubt and anger.
Set attainable goals:
Parents can help teens set
healthy expectations. These may include developing new skills,
making lasting friendships, finding passion in at least one
activity and dealing positively with the emotions of winning and
losing. Attainable goals could also be finding real-life meaning
in the least favorite academic subject, achieving the next level
in a sporting or artistic event, managing anger or becoming more
outgoing.
Unconditional love:
The most important thing parents do is show they love their teen
no matter what level of success is achieved. In any activity, only
one person takes first place. But all participants learn something
new about themselves and develop skills that last a lifetime.
Unconditional love means cheering from the sidelines (whether your
kids are playing a sport or striving to get on the honor roll). It
means a helping hand and positive advice. It does not mean doing
your son or daughter’s homework, nor taking out anger on others
for bad calls or unfair actions "against" your child.
Unconditional love also means letting teens fail sometimes.
Help deal with frustration:
Let your son or daughter make mistakes, but don’t abandon him or
her emotionally. It’s much easier to know how to act when people
succeed. But it is in the other moments that our children need us
most. They need to see how we as adults handle frustration in our
own lives. They need to know that it’s okay to miss goals
sometimes. They need to know that today’s blunders can almost
always be fixed tomorrow, and usually the outcome is for the
better.
Be a good role model:
Children get their first lessons in competition long before they
become teenagers. When family members play board games or talk
about their work, children are already gaining a sense of what is
most important: winning or how you play the game. If you discover
your emphasis leans more toward winning at any cost, it’s never
too late to admit this to your children and change yourself.
Discuss what you see:
Poor sportsmanship is all over national sports coverage; the
message that you have to be the best, the thinnest, the smartest
is at the core of most advertisements; and moral issues related to
fair play are ever-present in current events. Discuss these
examples with your teens. They are old enough to have an adult
conversation, come to significant conclusions and use them in
guiding their daily lives.
Modeling good sportsmanship
Tiger Woods has been quoted as saying
that winning isn’t "life or death. It’s more important to the
media than to me."
One way parents can counteract the
negative influences of the media on their teens is by modeling
good sportsmanship. Here are a few tips on how to do that:
Celebrate success, but help your teen
deal with frustration. Talk about it. Turn it into something
constructive before it turns him or her into someone
destructive.
Point out good and poor sportsmanship
at all types of sporting events. Discuss what you see and help
your teen problem-solve.
Congratulate opposing team members and
coaches when a good play is made. Cheer other members of your
son or daughter’s team for achieving new levels.
Never argue with a referee or coach.
Speak positively about players,
coaches and parents from other teams and participate in
area-wide events that build camaraderie throughout a league.
This will prevent normal team rivalries from turning into
personal vendettas.
Don’t accept inappropriate behavior
from your teen. If the coach misses it, point it out. And
whether the coach does something about it or not, make sure your
teen knows that he or she ultimately answers to you.
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